The Version of Me I am Trying to Find Again

Somewhere along the way, I stopped recognizing myself. It didn’t happen all at once, it wasn’t dramatic–it was slow. It happened through responsibility, survival mode, through constantly being needed by someone else.

I became a wife young, then a caregiver, and then a mother….then a homeschool teacher…then a business owner…and now I am pregnant with my 3rd at 37. Somewhere in between all of those titles, I believe that pieces of me got pushed to the side while I focused on everyone else. And the strange part is, I love my family….deeply.

But I think women are sometimes made to feel guilty for admitting that loving your life and feeling overwhelmed at the same time. For a long time I thought strength came from the perfect handling of everything….keeping the house together, being emotionally available, being productive, being patient, being encouraging, building something meaningful…and holding everyone else up without ever needing a moment to let yourself fall apart. And eventually I did fall apart.

I think somewhere over the past few years, I started struggling with imposter syndrome in almost every area of my life: motherhood, business owner, a woman…even here….writing this. Social media has a way of making it feel like everyone has it figured out…but me-like I missed the secret formula. Everyone looks so organized, so peaceful, so balanced, beautifully dressed, productive, intentional, and fulfilled…all at once.

Real life is dishes in the sink while answering client emails. Its homeschool papers piled on my desk. It’s trying to build routine with ADHD and overstimulation. It’s questioning your sanity while showing up for everyone anyway. I used to think strong women never struggled.

Now I think they are women who keep rebuilding themselves while carrying responsibility that no one ever sees.